Chili Pepper's Revenge
by Hobsonphile
Summary: Steven really needs to watch what he eats before bed. BAD FANFICTION PARODY. Please R/R


Chili Pepper's Revenge  
by Steph  
  
Author's Note: This story is a PARODY poking fun at some of the atrocious Boston Public fic I've read of late and not intended to be serious. In this work, Steven represents the voice of reason.   
  
Recognizable folks belong to DEK of course. And while I often criticize DEK for his tendency to choose the sensational over true character development, given some of the writing I've seen of late, these characters could have it far worse!  
  
Feedback is appreciated! Flames will be read, laughed at heartily, and deleted.  
  
*****  
  
A blast of wind carried a few rogue snowflakes into the entryway as Steven Harper rushed into the building, slamming the door behind him in his haste to escape the cold. He stomped his boots a few times and brushed the snow off of his coat before heading towards the main office. It was early, so the halls were largely empty- in the relative silence, Steven could hear his wet boots squeaking against the tile floor as he walked.  
  
As he was passing a stairway, a giggle gave him pause. Backtracking, he was rather shocked to find Lauren Davis in the embrace of Harry Senate. Both were smiling and seemed unaware of the principal's presence.  
  
"I love you, sweetie," Lauren murmured. "Let's never fight again."  
  
"I love you too, Snugglebear," Harry replied before giving Lauren a passionate kiss on the mouth.  
  
Steven cleared his throat, feeling a little guilty at his intrusion. The two young teachers looked up and met Steven's puzzled expression with wide grins. "Steven!" Lauren gushed. "Harry just proposed to me- we're getting married!" With that, Lauren showed off a stunning engagement ring. "Can you believe it?"  
  
Steven's puzzlement turned to total confusion. Though a part of him did not want to dampen his friends' clearly high spirits, a larger, more honest part couldn't help but express some skepticism. "Look, I don't want to rain on your parade, Lauren, but when you were with Harry last year, you two always seemed to be fighting. Now you're getting married? Are you sure that's a wise decision?"  
  
"Oh, all of those problems are behind us now," Lauren said with a wave of her hand. The large diamond twinkled as it caught the light.  
  
"Really? So, Harry, when exactly did you deal with your anger management issues, your troubled past and your fear of emotional intimacy?"  
  
Harry sighed with exasperation. "I just did, Steven. Do we have to explain everything to you?"  
  
"I'm not saying you have to explain-" Steven started to protest before he cut himself off with a noisy sigh of his own. Rubbing his eyes with his large hands, he started over. "Look, I care about you both. I'm just concerned that both of you will end up getting hurt if you marry so soon."  
  
"Well," Harry responded, standing up, "trust me, Steven, you have nothing to worry about." Then to Lauren: "Come on, sweetie. We don't need to sit here and listen to this kill joy."  
  
"But-" It was a lost cause- neither Lauren nor Harry were listening as they walked down the hall arm-in-arm, giggling once more like teenagers in love.  
  
Steven shook his head to clear his muddled thoughts. It was as if the two teachers were total strangers. The Harry Steven knew was not the type of man to use words like "sweetie", and he would die laughing before calling anyone "Snugglebear." Steven had the distinct feeling that he had accidentally walked into the sequel of _Invasion of the Body Snatchers_.  
  
Some of the students were starting to arrive, and the noise level in the hall increased markedly. Steven exchanged friendly greetings with one group of students gathered around the sign-up sheet for next week's spaghetti dinner fundraiser. When he turned around to continue his trek down the corridor, he found Danny Hanson engaged in a passionate kiss with an unfamiliar blonde woman. _Apparently, this is the morning for romance_, Steven mused to himself as he approached the couple.  
  
"Danny?"  
  
Danny started, hitting his shoulder against the doorframe. "You shouldn't sneak up on people like that, Steven," he groused, rubbing his injury.  
  
Steven held up his hands. "I'm sorry, Danny. Who is this?"  
  
"Oh, this is my new girlfriend, Phoebe Buffay. Phoebe, this is our principal, Steven Harper."  
  
"Hi," Phoebe said with a big smile as she shook Steven's hand. (Note: See, I thought Phoebe was really cute with that police officer on _Friends_, and Danny and the police officer are played by the same guy. Or, if they aren't played by the same guy, they are definitely twins.)  
  
At that moment, a tearful Ronnie stormed up to the trio and slapped Danny across the face. "You bastard!" she shrieked, tears flowing from her eyes like a raging river. "You said you loved me!"  
  
Steven was flabbergasted at the former corporate attorney's behavior. "Whoa, Ronnie, take it easy," he soothed, placing a steadying hand on her shoulder.  
  
"Are you crazy?" Danny shouted back, his cheek red from the violent contact. "I never said I loved you!"  
  
"We swam in the pool together, Danny! Didn't that mean anything to you?"  
  
"We were helping kids with cerebral palsy! I can't believe you read romantic intent in that!" Pulling a confused Phoebe by the arm, he muttered, "Let's get out of here."  
  
"I HATE YOU DANNY HANSON AND I'LL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE!" Ronnie screamed after him, drawing stares from several students who were hanging their coats up in their lockers. Ronnie then burst into hysterical sobs and ran down the hall, leaving an open-mouthed Steven in her wake.  
  
_What is going on here?_ Steven wondered. He revised his earlier judgement. He hadn't walked into _Invasion of the Body Snatchers_- he'd walked into _Melrose Place_!  
  
With the start of a headache throbbing behind his eyes, Steven walked into the main office. There he found Scott Guber trying to pry the nameplate off of his mailbox.  
  
"Scott?"  
  
"Steven! Did you hear that argument? Danny is in so much troub-le." The last word was drawn out in a singsong tone of voice.  
  
Steven did a double take. Singsong was not a tone he associated with his normally fierce, deadly serious vice principal. And since when had Scott become a gossip hound? This day was getting stranger and stranger.  
  
"Scott, are you alright?"  
  
"Absolutely."  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
Scott was matter-of-fact. "I've decided to change my name, Steven. Everyone may now address me as Scott G-O-O-B-E-R."  
  
"What? WHY?!"  
  
"Well, Steven," Scott explained with barely hidden irritation, "because I observed that a number of people could not spell my name when it was G-U-B-E-R. I quite simply decided to make it easier for them."  
  
"Scott, that's ridiculous! G-U-B-E-R is a perfectly easy name to spell!"  
  
"Clearly it isn't if so many people spell my name G-O-O-B-E-R."  
  
"CLEARLY THOSE PEOPLE ARE IDIOTS!" Steven roared.  
  
Scott looked hurt. "There's no need for you to get hostile, Steven."  
  
Steven took a deep breath and tried to reign in his temper. When he felt he was in reasonable control, he spoke. "Alright, I'm sorry, I'll try not to yell. I just think this is a silly idea."  
  
"Well, it's too late, Steven, I already went to the courthouse to make the change."  
  
While Steven was busy counting to one hundred, Jeremy Peters entered the office carrying a manila folder. Handing the folder to Scott, he said, "Ms. Sudor told me to deliver these reports to you."  
  
"Ah. Thank you, Jeremy."  
  
Then, to Steven's slack-jawed horror, Jeremy leaned in closer to Scott and whispered suggestively, "So, are we still on for tonight?"  
  
"Hmm, you bet," Scott replied, punctuating his response with a chaste kiss. Jeremy turned and left the office. Scott's eyes remained locked on the senior's behind until he disappeared.  
  
Steven's head was spinning. "Alright, Scott," he hissed between his teeth, "I want to see you in my office- NOW."  
  
Once inside his office, Steven closed the door and struggled to keep his voice level. "Scott, what the hell are you thinking?!"  
  
"I've never considered you a homophobe, Steven. I thought you'd be more tolerant of our love."  
  
Steven lost his battle to maintain composure. "THIS ISN'T ABOUT MY HOMOPHOBIA, DAMN IT!" Then, in a more controlled voice, he continued, "Scott, Jeremy Peters is the son of your girlfriend. Not to mention one of your STUDENTS."  
  
"So?"  
  
"You were LIVID when you discovered Milton Buttle's affair with Lisa Grier. You even went over my head and FIRED KEVIN RILEY for keeping Milton's secret. You have ALWAYS been this school's most passionate advocate for our policy against teacher/student relationships. ALWAYS."  
  
"I changed my mind."  
  
"YOU DON'T CHANGE YOUR MIND WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR PRINCIPLES, SCOTT!" Steven collapsed into his chair, his face falling into his hands. His headache was now full-blown. "Go to your office, Scott, and STAY THERE until I decide what to do with you."  
  
Scott flashed him a defiant glare and stormed out, rattling the door on its hinges by slamming it shut. Steven released his own anger by savagely pulling his top drawer open and rooting furiously for his extra-strength aspirin.  
  
As he was forcing open the bottle, the bell began to ring. Steven glanced at his watch. Class wasn't starting for ten more minutes- why was the bell ringing now? And why did it sound like his alarm at home? Steven clutched his head...  
  
...and rolled over in his bed, reaching out one hand to silence the infernal racket. Sitting up slowly, Steven rubbed his eyes to clear the fog from his vision. _What a dream!_ Shaking his head as he padded towards his bathroom to get ready for the day, he muttered, "That'll teach me to lay off the Mexican food before bed."  
  
The End. 


End file.
